Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas.
Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FreND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a
career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn
to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least
HE can spell!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for
a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm
gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to
do with.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still
having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane,
son! Let me get you some nice Lego instead.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends
have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
Love, Michelle
Dear Michelle,
It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their
parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of
you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something
more your speed, like "Snakes and Ladders."
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some
G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their little boy "Francis"
nowadays? You are going to be one fucked up adult.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree,
and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the
deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas
Regal and some Toblerone.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in
Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing
all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really
know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever
you do, I'm skipping your house...
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please
please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks,
but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do
you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky,"
that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live
in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I
get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
Santa